I wasn’t as good as I thought.
In the past, I believed that I was a good person. From a young age, I would make sure to obey my parents, avoid violence, speak truthfully, don’t steal and do good deeds. I would also justify myself by comparing my life with the people that I knew around me, and it would make me feel proud of my life and the way that I had been living. I loved to hear praise from friends and family and I especially loved knowing that I was a better person than many other people. This motivated me to strive for success in life so that I could continue to justify myself. Ironically, I also regularly went to church and called myself a Christian. I cherished the thought that I was guaranteed entry into heaven and it gave me a sense of superiority over people who were not Christians or did wrong things. I would listen to sermons during the church service, only so that I could boast about how diligent I was. I would tell people how important it was to be a Christian, all the while without being able to sincerely explain what Christ meant to me. It was not until much later in my life that I began to see Christ differently. The change did not happen in a single day, nor was it due to some memorable instance, but it was gradual and in steps. Slowly, the normal activities that I used to enjoy became less appealing. The time that I spent with certain people began to be with different people. I no longer felt proud of my life but I realized how guilty I was with how I had been living. Sometimes, the sense of shame and guilt would become overwhelming, but there was no distraction or excuse for me to feel better. However, it was only when I prayed and sincerely asked Christ to take my sin away did I truly feel a wonderful sense of peace. I believe at that point, I realized what Christ truly meant to me. I am not saying that my life has become perfect nor have I become perfect in how I live. I sometimes still struggle with the same problems from years ago and gradually drift away from Christ. Recently, I learned that even when it seemed like I had rejected Christ and there was no hope left, there were people praying for me. My family prayed for me, my friends prayed for me, and Christ prayed for me. No matter how far away Christ seems or awful our life is, there is nothing that can separate God’s love for us. I wholeheartedly know this and it is why I live my life not for myself, but I live for Christ.